Disclaimer

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Statements like this created an expectation of honesty that made questioning inconsistencies feel unnecessary at the time. Later behavior did not support that expectation. 

Deleting messages occurred repeatedly throughout the relationship. When communication is removed, transparency is lost, and trust cannot reasonably be expected to remain intact. 

 He explained the lack of photos of us by saying he was uncomfortable taking pictures. However, he regularly took photos with friends while out and had no difficulty sending those to me. Despite raising this issue multiple times, he never made an effort to take or keep photos of us together.

At the same time, he stated that he did not use social media. This made the absence of photos easier to rationalize at first, but later events called those statements into question. The continued avoidance of documenting our relationship, even privately, stood in contrast to how freely other aspects of his social life were shared.

For me, this was a significant red flag. Avoiding any visual acknowledgment of a relationship can create ambiguity, limit accountability, and make it easier to present oneself as unattached to others. When I expressed concern about the impact this could have on people he interacted with socially, he acknowledged it at the time, but the pattern did not change.

 Over time, I became aware of multiple recurring behaviors that he acknowledged were negatively affecting his life and our relationship. I repeatedly encouraged him to seek support or make changes. Despite verbal assurances that I was a priority, the same behaviors continued, and the choices made did not reflect the words being said.  Over time, this eroded trust and made the statements themselves meaningless 

 Early in our relationship, he told me that his number one issue in relationships was women not trusting him. He shared a narrative about his previous relationship and framed her lack of trust as unreasonable. At the time, I accepted this explanation.

As time went on, additional details emerged that changed how I understood that story. I came to see that many of the concerns he described were not baseless. Ultimately, I experienced the same behaviors he had complained about. He monitored my phone records, questioned numbers I contacted, and threatened to reach out to people he did not recognize.

At the same time, he repeatedly refused to give me access to the shared phone bill, despite assuring me for over a year that he would. As inconsistencies accumulated, it became clear why transparency around that information had been avoided. The standard applied to me was not applied to him.

What stood out was the reversal: behaviors he had described as unfair or controlling when attributed to someone else became behaviors he later justified when he engaged in them himself. This contradiction was a significant red flag and contributed to the breakdown of trust.

 From early on, it was obvious to me that many of our issues had a medical component. He had openly admitted to long-standing struggles with low arousal and other hormone-related concerns. I repeatedly encouraged him to see a doctor and have his levels checked...not as criticism, but as a solution. A simple appointment could have clarified a lot and potentially improved multiple areas of his health and our relationship.

He refused. Not once, not twice...consistently. Every request was dismissed. Meanwhile, the strain on the relationship continued to grow. To me, that refusal wasn’t about fear or inconvenience. It felt like indifference. When someone sees what you’ll tolerate, they adjust their effort accordingly. In this case, the effort never rose above the bare minimum.

What made it harder was knowing that these issues affected more than just intimacy. He had talked for years about concerns related to testosterone, energy, even hair loss ...yet instead of addressing root causes, he chose surface fixes and image management. It was easier to maintain appearances than to take accountability.  To just not satisfy his girlfriend and slap a toupee on his head for appearance purposes.  

Over time, I began to realize that authenticity was negotiable for him. Presentation mattered more than substance. Image over integrity. Once you start paying attention, patterns become obvious.

And for what it’s worth...not everything that looks expensive works. Sometimes it’s just part of the costume.

Once his divorce was final and after resolving another batch of cheating accusations which were accurate, he started a new form of manipulation of calling me his "wife."  It was complete and total manipulation because if I believed that we were that solid, that permanent...why would I question anything?   Why would I challenge inconsistencies in his stories and lies?  It's a subtle psychological move that was so obvious to me.  Create comfort, comfort lowers vigilence, and lowered vigilence means fewer questions.  Calling me his "wife" wasn't devotion, and it clearly didn't have anything to do with that.  It was rather fitting though since he lied and cheated on his wife just as he ended up doing to me.  This being has a very clear pattern.